Dreamless
by bugby
Summary: Roxas - a lonely young man, lost his lover in a tragic car accident, cannot walk. Riku - the brother's best friend, cocky but secretly cannot refuse to help anyone. These two meet under the worst circumstances, will their feelings blossom?
1. Chapter 1

_**Author's Note:**_** okay, I was bored-sue me. DON'TREALLYSUEME.**

_**Disclaimer: **_**don't even play around like that.**

There is a place. A place where the dreamers can dream. The painters can paint. The lovers can love. I want to go to that place.

You've heard of that place, that wonderful place. It's a place like no other. A place that can't be scalded by the sneers of the nonbelievers. A place that will always exist, even when I grow old and age. This breathtaking place is the place of my dreams.

In that world, in that _realm_, I'm free. I'm no longer tied down and paralyzed. My blue eyes become brighter, my laughter transforms into music, and my heart becomes enveloped in soft satin.

No pain. The pain is all gone.

And in that realm, _he's _there. It's like he never left… Like it never happened. He just stands there and smiles that smile. That wonderful, beautiful, smile that raises the dimples on his cheeks. He's the way I remember him. Exactly the same. His hair is just as fiery, long and defying—he still keeps it in a pony tail to keep it out of his milky white face. And the tattoos? They're still there, high on his cheeks and lavender, surrounded by a slight pink from his blush.

And his eyes. His greengreen_green_ eyes that burn into my soul. They're still swirling with the love and passion as they were that day…

"Hey, Roxas…" He says to me, smiling wide.

I am sitting, relaxing. As soon as I hear his voice I tense up and I attempt to rise.

And I find out that I can, I _can_ stand. I begin to run, run towards him, running as if my life depended on it, and for those few moments, it does. I know that without him, there is no life, there is nothing to make me smile the way he made me smile.

He's opening his arms wide as I sprint, he's overly ready to embrace me, just like he's alive again. Those arms are accepting me and closing around me, trapping me in the most wonderful of traps, there is nowhere I would rather be than here. Here with Axel.

"I miss you," he whispers into my hair, his warm breath is making my head swirl.

I can almost believe that the accident never even happened.

"I miss you, too," I tell him, holding back my violent sobs.

He comforts me by gently shushing my cries, patting my head, and running his long fingers through my hair, _gods_, I miss him so. "Don't cry, Rox… I'm still here, see?"

I nod and attempt a smile, my ridiculous half smile that he always said he loved. His hands lift up my face and he grins, "There we go," he says, "that's the Roxas I know." Axel leans in and kisses my forehead, his lips warm against by face.

The scene suddenly changes, we're back at the lot, before the accident, and there's nothing I can do to prevent us from stepping into the car and driving off. It's no longer a dream; it's a nightmare, a nightmare that I have no control over. It's a memory, a dreadful, horrific playback of that day…

He's laughing as he brings me close. We're walking to his car, a small, beat up VW bug. He tells me to get in, and I do as told, just like I did on that day. My mind is screaming for me to stop and change this situation, my heart was already weeping for what is to come.

We're in the car and heading down the main street, chatting and smiling and laughing like we always are, this is what I remember of that day, and even though I know what's going to happen, the Nightmare Me has no idea.

In the next second, everything changed. I feel nothing but pain and agony; I can't feel my legs any longer. There is not a window on my side anymore, it shattered and its pieces are embedded in my cheeks, soaked in blood and tears. I try and look to my left, to see how Axel is. He's not moving, and I see a large chunk of metal stabbing into his chest.

No… It can't be…

There's a flaming hot fire engulfing the car, dark, black smoke everywhere. It cut itself between Axel and I, I could no longer see him.

"No!" I scream at the top of my lungs, my throat going raw.

And then, there's nothing. That's when I force myself awake, I'm not strong enough to relive through seeing him…_dead_. I can't replay the hospital again; it's filled with too much heartache.

My chest is beating and beating and it doesn't seem to stop. I hold my hands up to my heart, breathing in slowly and deeply, I exhale, steadily regaining control of my heart. I raise my fingers to my eyes. Tears. Again.

From inside, I can hear the thunder and see the lightning in the dazzling storm outside. The wind is howling to the moon, praising its beauty, but I don't care. There is nothing I care about anymore.

I look to the clock where a flashing _12:00_ greets me, the power had gone out. _How wonderful_.

My eyes wander my bedroom—which used to be ours—and I can see that everything is exactly the way he had left it. His dirty clothes on the floor, a small clump of shirts and jeans, the little open bottles of cologne and lotion strewn across the top of the dresser, and even his work schedule taped to the mirror, along with photos of us together.

I haven't touched anything of his, maybe it's stuck in my brain that I can't believe he's gone. He has to come back…

I shake my head and wipe away my tears, "Axel…" Letting myself swallow a sob, I calm myself down.

"Flamez!" I call out, and instantly, she's there. I can see her glossy black coat, even in the shadows, I point towards my wheelchair and she nudges it over, close enough so that I can load myself in.

After I do so, I smile at her and pat her head, "Good girl..."

Since the accident, I had lost use of my legs. Dr. Vexen had told me that it was a miracle for me to be alive. He told me that they tried to get my legs back, but they couldn't repair the broken muscles and other stuff I didn't remember. They said I could try physical therapy, that maybe my body would heal on its own. But they told me not to get my hopes up. They had told me I was lucky, that I could've died. They didn't know that I would've rather been dead than be alive without _Him_. They had given me 'Flamez' to help me, my very first dog, and probably the only being I could ever _be_ with. You know, since she didn't remind me of _Him…_

I check my wrist watch for the time, about 5:23 am, Sora would be awake…

Being extra-careful not to touch anything of Axel's, I reach for the phone and ignore the tangled wires of its cord, straight away I dial my brother's cell phone number. He freaks out when I do not call everyday—Sora, a genuine worrier and a loving brother.

I hear half a ring, and already, he answers, "Roxas!"

Automatically, my mouth pulls up into a half-smile, lips sealed shut.

"How are you this morning? You never call this early."

I sigh and hold the phone between my cheek and shoulder. Cautiously as I can, I lift myself onto my wheelchair with my arms, sitting myself and adjusting my body so that I am comfortable. "Sora, you know that I call you every morning…"

Sora huffs, "But not this early… You call around 7…"

I try to laugh, "Flamez woke me up real early! Guess she's hungry!"

"Rox…" I wince at the nickname, _He _used to call me that… "I'm getting worried about you…"

Scoffing, I pat Flamez's head and scratch behind her ear, just the way she likes it, "More worried than you already are?"

"Roxas! You know what I am talking about!" Sora almost yells, "You're all alone over there!"

"What are you talking about? I have Flamez…" I bite my lip, he can't come back here. I don't want to keep him from his life…

"You're cooped up in that small apartment, no one keeping you company! You never let me visit you, or even come over!"

I find myself almost not caring. _Almost_.

"I want you to be taken care of…"

"I'm fine, Sora. I really am!"

"No, Roxas. You aren't. You have barely interacted with anyone. This isn't healthy at all… I'm going to move back in with you!"

"No!" I scream, "No! You can't leave Kairi!" Her heart would just break…

"Your doctors even told me that you aren't going to your therapy!"

I bite my tongue and thought before I spoke, "I've…just been busy."

"How are you ever going to walk again if you don't even try." Sora says, his voice is deadpan and monotonous. It isn't a question.

I stay quiet at that, only because deep inside, I know he's partly right.

"If... You don't let me live with you… Please, Roxas, please, just let me send someone to help you?" Sora starts to plead, and I know I can't resist. He's my brother, and he cares…

"…Who would be this 'someone'?"

XXX

After being condemned into an already-full train, and vigorously being forced into my seat, my best friend calls me and begins to tell me how he's thankful, how he doesn't know how he can make this up to me, and, of course, telling me about how a good job I will do, about how I am going to fix _someone that I have never even met._

I am tired, I have a headache, and I just want to drink until I pass out and sleep it off. I know in my mind I cannot make it to Twilight Town awake. But the thing is, I know that I have to do this, I know that I have to at least help as much as I can. It isn't because it's my best friend's brother, but that I just owe Sora _everything._

"Okay, for the millionth time, there's still an hour and a half until I arrive!" I tell Sora, but that doesn't ease his worry.

He sighs and suppresses a scream, "Why won't the train go faster?"

"…Because it would derail, dumbass."

Sora scoffs and starts to tell me all about Roxas, _again_. He's repeating how his brother acts, what exactly he thinks is wrong with him, how he lives from day-to-day, things like that. I find myself zoning out and yawning, being that this 'job' was sprung on me last night – late. That's right, I didn't even have a whole day's notice that I was skipping town and moving about a thousand miles away.

I close my eyes, and attempt to listen to Sora's babbling, but I don't. He's going on and on, and I can no longer take in any more information. Not without sleep.

"RIKU!" He screams. Yeah, that sure as fucking hell wakes me up.

I immediately put my hand to my ear, hissing, "What. The. Fuck."

"You were falling asleep! This is important!"

Now, I sigh. "Sora, I heard this all last night. Remember? You were there, in my apartment? Making sure that I packed? You didn't let me sleep?"

He's quiet now and all I hear is his breathing and the train running over the tracks in that quick rhythm that I can't help but love. "You're tired."

I hold back a yell, "Yes."

"Fiiiiine. Call me when you arrive?"

"Duh."

He hangs up and I let out a breath I didn't know that I was holding. I'm closing my eyes again after one last look around the train's cabin, making sure that no one is close to me. Once I'm satisfied, I shut my eyes and immediately fall asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Sora loves his brother unconditionally. Roxas loves him back, in his own way, I guess. And me? Who do _I _love? Love's a pretty funny thing…

Funny in a _hell_ of a cruel way.

The train's brakes are screeching and squealing as it pulls into Central Station. I peer out the window, and am surprised that there aren't many people around the platform, it's almost empty and lifeless. I expected in a town like this one, its main train station would be packed.

Oh, well. That means it'll be easier to find Roxas.

I shake my head and sigh, standing as soon as the train completely stops. After stretching my arms over my head, I reach for my luggage that's cradled in the nets above my seat. The single suitcase feels bizarre in my hands, maybe because I have never travelled before in my life. Nevertheless, I ignore the feeling and bring it down. My suitcase is extremely light – I didn't believe in material things – only things packed were clothes; I figured that Roxas would have anything else that I would need.

The other passengers are beginning to line up and leave, so I do the same. Again, I sigh. Sora was a forgetful person, and I wonder if he even told Roxas that I was coming. Sora didn't even give me a picture of Roxas, all he said was that he was blonde, had blue eyes, and was thin and bony.

There are a lot of blondes that have blue eyes and thin bodies. But I guess a town like Twilight Town didn't have many people in wheelchairs.

Once I step off the train, I take a look over the small crowd that had gathered while I was in the line. There were more people than before, a lot more. I am slightly taken aback, but then I realize that they must be family of the other passengers. I try to find Roxas, thinking that he shouldn't be all too hard to find.

I stop searching as I come across a familiar face. I blink three times, it's Sora in a wheelchair. It looks like him, but also so different. I think it's the eyes, and I can't help but stare.

**xxx**

He's staring at me. Why the hell is he staring at me? He doesn't know me.

I wheel over to him, maneuvering through the people surrounding me, "Riku?" I ask timidly, putting on my shy façade.

He nods, but just barely. _Haven't you ever seen a wheelchair before? _I want to scream at him, but instead, I take a deep breath and relax. A smile spreads itself across my face and I hold out my hand, "Well, I'm Roxas. Sora's younger brother."

Flamez comes out from behind me and sniffs his torn pair of sneakers, she then sits and smiles at him plainly. I guess she likes him.

Riku clears his throat and shakes his head slightly, "Y-yeah," his hand grips mine and gives it one firm shake, "Uh, Sora told me to come over?"

I keep that fake smile plastered on my face because I know that the more happier, nicer, and pleasant I seem, the faster this…stranger will disappear. "Yes, I know. Let's get to my apartment, shall we? Do you need me to carry anything for you?"

He shakes his head again and mutters no.

"Okay then, let's go!"

He offers to push me, but I politely decline, telling him some nonsense about strengthening my arms. He doesn't seem to understand that I am fine. He doesn't get that he and I are of the same mentality. I don't need help, I really don't. I know that I don't.

Every yard closer that we get to my apartment, my plan to make him leave becomes more intricate, but my face doesn't show it.

Soon enough, we're at my building, which truly isn't very far from the station. It's a few blocks away, which makes it easier to go places. Not that I leave my home often. "Here's where I live," I say cheerily.

Riku mutters something incomprehensible in reply, and I simply brush it off. He holds the door open for me, and secretly, I want to hurt him for it. I can open it myself. And if I couldn't, Flamez would help me.

We take the elevator up to the 9th floor, and arrive to my humble abode. I unlock the door, and Flamez snakes through us, leading Riku inside.

"Here's my apartment. Please," my smile disappears, "don't touch anything."

**xxx**

I'm in his apartment and I've never seen a messier room. There are clothes in all places, random wrappers in others, and dog hair coating everything. I guess the dog shed a lot. It was obvious that the carpet was once white, though now it seemed a dark grey.

"Nice place you got here…" I say.

"It is what it is," Roxas sighs and wheels himself to the kitchen. I can't take my eyes off of him – he just looks so much like Sora, it's fucking unbelievable.

He clears his throat, "Are you hungry?"

"No, I'm fine."

Roxas nods, "'Kay."

"Where will I be staying?" I ask. It isn't like I'm going to sleep on the floor right?

He lifts his arm and points towards the couch in the dinky living room, "There. Just push all of the crap onto the floor, I'll…get it later or something."

I nod and walk into the living room, silently watching him from the corner of my eye as I do what I was told. He has the same eyes, that deep blue that always seemed to convey exact feelings to all who truly knew him. They had the same exact lips, those lips that I had thought about so many other times, especially when I kissed others, others who I didn't really want.

A clang comes from the kitchen and I look back, alert to any needs that Roxas might need. Flamez is quicker and is already by his side, picking up a fallen ladle. Roxas smiles sweetly and pats her gently on the head, I take this in, I don't know when I'm going to see him smile so genuinely again.

I clear my throat and he looks up, contempt filling those blue eyes.

"Yes?" He asks with a sour smile.

My body becomes straight. "You said that I could toss all the things on this couch to the floor?"

Roxas nods and turns back to Flamez and I quietly shove all that is on the couch onto the carpeted floor, cursing to myself and cursing to whatever god was listening. Why did I have to be stuck with such an _ass_?

He's been living here, in _our _home, for a full week. It has been the longest week of my life, second only to the week that _He_ was on life support. Riku's attitude hasn't changed, it's positive, though apprehensive, as if he's scared to hurt me in any way. It annoys me to the point that I have to suppress the screams that I want to let out so badly.

**xxx**

Riku hasn't helped. He hasn't done a thing. He tries to lend a hand around the apartment, but he just doesn't realize that he is not needed here in any way. All I wanted was to be alone with Flamez, there is nothing that I am in need of. Why don't Sora and Riku see that?

I'm not broken. I'm not. I know that I am not.

"Do you really have to stay? You know I don't need you here." I say to him from across the breakfast table.

He sighs and shrugs, he's as quiet as ever. I hate it.

I growl quietly and go back to my cereal, as I eat I glare at him. He has no right to be here.

Riku clears his throat, "Sora wants me here. I won't leave until he thinks it's okay for me to. Okay?" His eyes connect with mine for a second and then drop back to his bowl. "My purpose here isn't to torture you."

"Really, now? Because that's what I've been thinking this whole fucking _time_!"

His spoon falls to the floor and he slams his fists on the table, hard enough to knock our glasses and bowls over. "I'm sick of all your sarcastic bullshit! I'm here so that Sora can stop worrying about your fucking paraplegic ass!"

My arms clench and my fingers grip the wheelchair's armrests tightly, "I didn't ask for my brother to worry about me!" My throat is raw from the screech.

The silence between us is tough. I am tempted to cry, but it is all that I can do to hold back these tears. I won't let him see that he's hurt me. I love Sora. More than anything, I love Sora. I would do nothing to harm him. Nothing to hurt him. All I want now is his happiness, he never needed to worry about me!

"I am here to stay, Roxas. And it seems like I'll be here for a while. Learn to deal with it," Riku stands and stares down at me for a moment, looking over my body. He turns away and heads into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

There was never a moment that I wanted someone gone so badly.

**So... It's been a long time since I have updated anything. I admit, this chapter is shorter than the last. And yes, I admit that it isn't my best work, but I was rushing to at least have one of these three stories updated in some way. Reviews would be kind, I'd like to know ways that I can improve and whether you guys like it or not. And as always, Kingdom Hearts isn't mine, it belongs to Square Enix and Disney.**


	3. Chapter 3

At least once a day, there would be a time that I could catch myself staring at him. At Roxas, I mean. It's mostly when he is genuinely carefree, like when he plays with Flamez and (I'm assuming) he forgets everything bad that's happened. Those moments that I could see a small crooked smile start to grow across his face. That's when I can't seem to look away.

Dammit, Sora. Why did you make me come here? All I wanted was to stay near you, bu watch you form afar.

I fucking _loved_ you, Sora.

However, I was stuck in East Bumfuck, Twilight Town, waiting in the reception area of the city's physical therapist with only decade old TIME magazines to keep me company. This was of course thousands of miles away from where Sora was undoubtedly frolicking with Kairi, the fiancee, most likely on some date that would end in sex.

I was forced here, even though technically I came willingly - just to please Sora.

Roxas is in one of the exam rooms, I had brought him here - he didn't know. It, apparently, had been a very long time since his last visit, maybe he never even really entered the office before this day. But, I didn't care. I was here for his health, not his emotions or his feelings.

I could hear his struggles, but I continued to look through magazines.

There was no way I would get attached to Roxas. Not if I could help it.

**xxx**

Riku never leaves me alone. Riku is this constant presence that never even falters. Riku is active when I fall asleep and Riku always finished breakfast before I even wake up. Riku has a pair of eyes I can't escape. Riku is here for Sora. Riku is an intruder. Riku is here. Riku is in _my home_. Riku is pushing me to the brink of insanity, and _that_ is certainly saying something, coming from me.

He tricked me. He fooled me. Riku said that we were going to the market, to stock up on some groceries that he had finished that morning - milk, eggs, my favourite apple juice. This was a lie. A terrible, terrible lie. Where he really took me to was that Physical Therapist that I never visited, the one Dr. Vexen told me to go to immediately after the accident.

I won't lie. She's being very nice, considering she knows I'm here against my will. Her hair was a silvery colour and her face was wrinkled with old age and laughter. She introduces herself as Doctor Jonah Williams, but that she prefers to be called Jo. Immediately she begins the session, starting off with this speech full of zeal and goals. Her goal: _to get me back onto my feet._

That's when I break down and I begin to cry. The are tears pooling up in my eyes and are streamlining down my face, this heaving sob erupts from the confines of my chest. I lean over and curl my arms around me. I can't move. I can't seem to breathe. I can't seem to find myself.

Doctor Jonah is speaking in calming, hushed tones. Her voice sounds like velvet. "_You'll be all right. I know this is new. I know that this can be scary and terrifying. I know... But everything will be all right..."_

All that happened after that, I've forgotten. At that point I was hysterical. I'm somehow in the car with Riku. He's going on about how this is good for me, and how he's doing the right thing. About how Doctor Jonah said this was completely normal.

How could he willingly bring me to this torture multiple times a week?

I'm being wheeled out back to the reception area. I sit calmly, unmoving as Riku makes an appointment for next week. My mind is numb, detached from my body. I'm floating and thinking. Dreading the next seven days.

Suddenly, we're at the car, and I'm strapped into my seat. Riku's telling me something, but I don't understand. "What?"

He clears his throat, "How did it go?"

I don't answer.

Riku takes the driver's seat and starts the car, "Well?"

My body slumps and I look out of the window, ignoring his words. I don't care. I don't want him here. I want him gone. Why is he asking? Why is he still _here_? Why did he _t_ake me to this _horrid place_?

"You know that I could hear you from the waiting room, right?" The car swerves around a corner and I tense up. Cars make me nervous.

His grip becomes tighter on the steering wheel, "Roxas, I'm sorry for hurting you, but I am not sorry for taking you." Our speed is increasing, my paper-white fingers clench on the arm rests, I feel as if I am clinging onto this seat for my life.

Riku shifts into the next gear, and that is the point where everything goes black.

**xxx**

I've noticed that I am a complete idiot who shouldn't be taking care of people. Why didn't I notice him getting upset in the car? It's only _fucking_ natural that he'd freak the fuck out. His boyfriend died. Riku, why won't you remember that? His boyfriend died and he _can't walk_ because of a car accident. Riku, are you brain-dead? When he passed out in the car, I did now know what to do. I settled on getting back to his apartment. I checked for breathing, he was, I checked his heart beat, it was normal. All was okay. Presumably.

He isn't even talking to me. He isn't regarding my presence.

"I'm sorry..." I whisper.

He says nothing, he didn't even stop organizing the kitchen.

My breath leaves my lips shakily, "I'd rather you hate me aloud than become indifferent. Roxas, please. I had a moment of stupidity."

Why am I doing this? Why am I even _trying_? He isn't phased.

"Look at me!" I yell, this gets his attention. He glances over, face tense and looking ready to cry.

My body rushes towards where he is and kneels before him. I'm looking up into those eyes, those eyes that remind me of Sora - no. They're Roxas' eyes. Roxas' eyes that are completely different. They're sadder, and I want to change that. They're doe-like, which just makes the emotions he displays that much more affecting. They're Roxas'. "I'm sorry. I am. I really am. Don't be mad at me."

I'm apologizing. I'm blubbering and spitting out gibberish in hopes that he will no longer be so detached. I want to be significant to someone. I couldn't be that for Sora. I couldn't be that for Kairi. I couldn't be that for my parents. But, maybe I could be a significant person in Roxas' life.

Suddenly, he shoves me away and I land in the trash.

"Don't ever get close to me like that again." He says harshly. "I don't care." Roxas leaves the room without another sound, he's silent in all ways.

I swing my head back so that it hits the wall, "_Fuck."_

**xxx**

_I think he left me. I think he's gone. He is nowhere to be found._

If only.

I wish he wasn't here. He wants to take the place that Axel occupied. I can see that in his actions. He wants me to forget. He wants to take me away. He isn't real. This isn't real. All that is real is within my dreams.

He's there again, leaning against an alabaster wall. At first, he doesn't see me, and I am happy about this. I want to look at him. I want to take him in. I want him here. I always used to do this. Look at him like he was surreal. I was the younger brother all my life. Always getting the hand-me-downs, always getting less attention than my higher reaching older brother. When He came into my life, all was turned around. I was instantaneously the center of someone's world.

Now he's noticed me, his eyes are looking at me and I could see them start to crinkle up at the corners, the telltale sign he was about to smile. "Roxas! Where've you been?" Axel's arm is stretched out towards me, I run to it and take it within my own.

"Busy, busy, busy. You know, crappy work." I'm walking alongside him, beaming.

Axel laughs, he always laughed at what I had to say. "I've missed you, you know."

We stop walking, "How much?" I ask.

I want to know how much he loves me. How much he's missed me and wanted my touch. How much he thinks about me. How much he tenses up when he thinks I might be around. I want to know this all.

His face is nearing mine, I can feel his breath across my skin, "So, much..."

My hands grab his head and pull it towards me, smashing our lips together in a desperate kiss. I know I need to do this fast, because as soon as he answered, I realised that he was dead. Hot tears are rushing down my face and I cannot stop myself. We're melding together and I have the sense that it's ending. All is ending. Nothing is everlasting.

Everything is black and suffocating, I force myself awake with choking gasps and body-racking sobs. "Axel, where are you?" I wail out into the darkness.

_Help me, Axel. I'm alone._

**xxx**

I can hear him screaming every night.

And every night, I creep up to his door, lean against it and listen to everything. Even though he thinks he's alone, even though he _wants _to be alone. I'm going to be there for him. He's fragile. He's broken and not even trying to pick up the pieces, he's living in a life that's been gone since his lover died.

Roxas. You need to let go.

Roxas. You need to fight this.

Roxas. You need to look at me.

Roxas. I'm here.

**Not my best, of course. But I tried. I'm still trying to figure out exactly **_**where**_** this is going. I have this general idea, but I am not sure. As always, please leave a review, subscribe, and favourite. These actions always encourage me (help me) write more for you guys and shows me whether you're liking this or not. Characters belong to Square Enix and Disney. There's a lot of angst, isn't there? Time to go write Dark Blue~~~ -prances away-.**


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